I am wrecked

I am wrecked!

I have read the story of Cain and Able many times in my life. I’ve heard the sermons on it. I knew this scripture. I JUST READ THIS PASSAGE A FEW MONTHS AGO. I almost skipped right over it this morning. 

But family I didn’t KNOW this scripture. I am absolutely wrecked by what I have come to understand this morning. 

Cain wasn’t just banished, he wasn’t just cursed to not receive crops from the ground anymore. 

Cain was BANISHED FROM THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD. 

“You are banning me today from the land and from your presence.”

“Kayin said to ADONAI, “My punishment is greater than I can bear. You are banning me today from the land and from your presence. I will be a fugitive wandering the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.””

‭‭B'resheet (Gen)‬ ‭4:13-14‬ ‭CJB‬

How many times have I felt the presence of the Lord, felt the peace that comes from the Holy Spirit. How many times have I clung to Him in my most desperate times. 

Cain became overcome by jealousy and rage and made a terrible decision. He killed his brother. He lived with that guilt and shame for the rest of his life. But he did so without the presence of the Lord. 

Man. I’m wrecked family. Today, on a deeper level then before I am so thankful for the work Yeshua did on the cross. For dying for our sins. So, unlike Cain, we can receive forgiveness and not be banished from the presence of the Lord. 

I’m sitting here this morning remembering that I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve emotionally hurt people. I’ve heard the voice of the Lord and WILLING chose not to follow his word. But man, Yah has never banished me from his presence.

Wrecked. Family. I am absolutely wrecked by this. 

As I sit here with this, my new little one awakens and I’m again wrecked on a whole new level. My husband and I had talked about names for this little guy. One name was Kain. Like Cain but with a K. I told him, I can’t give that name to our second born son. To be named after the one who killed his older sibling out of spite and jealousy. And man, when I think about Cain and all the things he must have endured without the presence of the Lord, I think about Eve. 

Where are my mothers and fathers at? I look into this sweet face of my beautiful baby and I’m wrecked. 

Smell the moldy cheese

You know that very distinct smell of moldy cheese?? Well, I made dinner tonight, grabbed a big huge handful of cheese, poured it ALL over my food, and then offered some to my husband. Right about the time I started dropping the cheese onto his plate, I smelled it.  The odor of old moldy cheese melting on my hot dinner. 😩 then we had to scrap the cheese off the top and share what was left. My husband was so sweet and offered me some of his dinner, since his didn't get nearly as smothered as mine did...... While eating what was left of my food, with the slight lingering smell of moldy cheese in the air, I thought..... Life can be like this. When we want something or someone in our lives and we grab a big handful of it before thinking it through or praying about it. It's not until it is already blended into our lives that we realize that it is toxic to our mental, spiritual, financial or physical health. Then we have to find a way to separate ourselves from this toxic behavior or addiction or person and we end up losing a part of ourselves. Like I lost part of my dinner scraping off the cheese. Beloved all I had to do was open the bag and smell the cheese before I put it on the plate. I would have known that it was bad. But I didn't. I got excited at the idea of how delicious my food would be with delicious melted cheese on top..... It's the same with that toxic thing you grabbed a hold of. Like buying a car you can't afford. It's beautiful right? You would look great driving that car. You buy it, take it home, and a few months later you realize you can't really afford it. If you had prayed about it or even thought this all through you would have known. Beloved, smell the cheese first. 😂

Victim Cycle

So this week I was gently told by my husband that I play the part of a victim. He very sweetly pointed this out to me during a very emotional moment.  He wasn't condescending or judgmental. Rather, He spoke to me from a place of love. I knew that he cared and was just being honest with me but for a moment I was upset. 

The enemy likes to take things that other people say to you and twist them into something completely different.

I had started to seeing my interactions with people through a filter. As if everything that they said to me came from a place of not liking me. And when they would say something or do anything that in any way resembled this, it was like a confirmation to this negative spirit and filter that I was looking at our relationship through. This is something that the Lord has spoken to me about multiple times, because it is always relevant. It can be seen in any relationship that I have. Friends, Coworkers, In Laws even my relationship with my husband.



1 Corinthians 13:7
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Matthew 5:43-48 ESV 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? ...

1 John 4:16 ESV / 187 helpful votes

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

Romans 12:9-10 ESV / 103 helpful votes

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

1 Peter 4:8 ESV / 79 helpful votes

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

When life gives you lemons in Texas, squeeze them on your pancakes.

I'm learning that life will give you opportunities to learn more about yourself and who you are. You don't always have to go searching.

There arises times where you are expected to show extreme humility an vulnerability and when you don't show, it becomes apparent in the area that you lack.

The times in life where a friend approaches and needs your help. You learn about your own levels of compassion and what you are personally willing to sacrifice for somebody else.

There's times where you realize where you stand on moral issues, and it becomes more than what your parents have taught you your whole life.

You get to step away from religion and begin to question what do I really believe?

You learn who you are. You learn where you stand. And you don't even need to create situations for it to happen. It just happens.

Then you sit down and you talk to god, you talk to Jesus, you talk to Holy Spirit and you learn who you were created to be. You learn the truth.

So I never regret the places I've been, the people I've met, or the actions that I've chosen. Because life will set you up for some downfalls, but... Even if you fall, your character is defined on how you get back up.

It doesn't matter how you fall. Who really trips with grace? How are you going to pick yourself back up? Are you going to drag yourself up using only your own two hands? (Pride) or are you going to get up with grace while you accept the hand of a friend. Or will you learn to climb to new heights as you pick yourself up and go even further than where you were before?
Or... Will you stay down in the mess?

Facing Fears, and leaving behind past feelings

     A few days ago, I sent a message to an old friend who had hurt me pretty bad. I told them about how I was effected by what they did, and that even though we couldn't be friends anymore, I forgave them. I told them how amazing they were and that God had such great plans for them in their life. I
was not rude, nor mean in the conversation, but I told them honestly, and sincerely that I was sure that God had many great plans for them and that I knew that they were going to do amazing things.

      For the first time in my life, I didn't run away from something that I was afraid of, and for the first time I felt like I had actually let something go and I didn't have to hold onto it anymore. It was such a great feeling!! There was this deep deep feeling of relief. I was terrified about how the conversation would go, but I faced it and I praise God that it went well and now I can let go of the hurt and bitterness.

     Slowly, and thoroughly I want to get rid of all the bad feelings that I harbor towards people that have hurt me in my past, and tell them personally that I forgive them. I want to seek closure for all the wounds that I have kept open for so many years. I want to no longer be a runner, but to be able to trust people and love without fear of hurt or damage.

And with joy in my heart I will, as a good friend says, dance in the rain like I have never been wet before.

Would you like to join me?? Would you like to look the bitterness that you carry in the face and say 'You are no longer welcome in my heart.' If you allow Him to, God can replace that bitterness with a joy that will overwhelm everything else.

Black hole. o.O

     A few weeks ago I received some words of wisdom from one of my favorite "Seers." He told me that he saw my  family getting sucked into a black hole. Now, at first I was completely surprised by the fact that he could say this with a smile on his face. A black hole? Why are you smiling about a black hole?! Then, he explained to me exactly what a black hole does.

     A black hole will tear things apart. Pull everything completely away. Doesn't sound very pleasant at all! But the great part about this is that it smashes it all back together, and in the middle of the mess it creates something beautiful, and something new.

     Now, it's been a few weeks and I realize that this is exactly what has been happening! I am learning more and more how to appreciate every single person in my family. They are amazing! No matter what my previous judgements were, they are incredible individuals, and I love them.

     My family has been coming together in their time of need, and it is truly awe inspiring. While things look like they might be falling apart, together we look the enemy in the eye and tell him, "You have no control in our family. God is still on the throne and is going to take care of us."

     And as we approach this holiday season, I have so much to be grateful for. Even if things aren't exactly what they used to be and even though there are people in our family that won't be able to join us this Christmas, we still have reasons to celebrate what we do have.

     I look around at things in my life that I used to think were ugly or broken or incomplete, and I realize that the only thing that was ugly, broken, or incomplete was my perspective on what perfection was.

     Perfection is standing in a room full of people that love me and would do anything for me if I needed them to. A room full of people that look at me with love, without judgement. We don't even need to be doing anything special, sitting on the couch watching a movie today was perfection.

     So, if it looks like you are facing nothing but darkness. Embrace it. If it pulls you apart, it is only going to push you back together to form something much more beautiful and worthwhile. Life is full of black holes, and if you look at the new beauty with an open heart, you will be surprised about how amazing life can become, even from the biggest of messes.

Smiles

I was in my volleyball class today and as I was looking around at my classmates I was noticing their smiles. It wasn't one of those 'oh each person's smiles are unique and different' thoughts,  It was more like I noticed that every person looked the most attractive when they were smiling.

My attention was constantly drawn to people who were smiling with sincerity. You know those smiles that people smile and it makes their eyes twinkle?? Those are so beautiful! I was just amazed how perfectly smiles like that fit on everyone's face. It's like God designed people's faces around how beautiful they would look when they were smiling. Really smiling!!

Have you ever noticed how contagious a smile can be? When I see someone smile it instantly makes me want to smile back. Even when I'm having a rough day! It's the same thing when people's faces light up when they see me. Those genuine "I'm happy to see you" expressions. Whenever I see that my face just naturally starts brightening up too!

Joy, laughter, smiles. Those are all contagious, and so beautiful!!

So Smile! I want to see your joy!!